Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Golden Globes in Review with Us Two Guys (Who Didn't Actually Watch Them)

Ah, the Golden Globes...the Academy Awards' and Emmys' bastard offspring. Apparently, every year, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association hands out awards at a ceremony no one watches...because it's not the Oscars. If they do watch it, it's to hedge their bets for the upcoming Oscar pool. Basically, it's spoilers for the Oscars.

We've actually seen some of the nominees this time, though. And by "seen," we mean "caught part of...once...by accident." But some we did legitimately watch. And that would be Les Misérables. And some of the television shows. But we are still in a position to commentate because America.

Okay, after literally just going through the red carpet photos, our opinions on the fashions are a resounding "bleh." Too much red, too much naked, too many ridiculously high neck lines. What happened, Hollywood stylists? You had one job. Lie down before you hurt yourself. You're hired to make people look good, make them look good.

Maybe we should talk about the awards now.
(Chandler) Can I just say that I got this far in the review without gushing over Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? New personal record.
(Joanna) This is why I don't watch awards shows with you.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series - Musical or Comedy: Lena Dunham for "Girls"

As long as Manic Pixie Dream Girl Zooey Deschanel didn't win, we're content. (Speaking of Zooey Deschanel, look forward to an Actor Analysis on her because we need to have a talk about Ms. Deschanel.)

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Musical or Comedy: 

Don Cheadle for "House of Lies"

Joanna: House of Lies really grew on me over the summer and I'm a huge Big Bang fan (much to Chandler's chagrin), so if either Don Cheadle or Jim Parsons won I'd've approved. 

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series - Drama: 

Claire Danes for "Homeland"

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Drama: 

Damian Lewis for "Homeland"

Joanna: Love Homeland. Nothing funny about Homeland except Claire Danes' crazy faces. 

Any actress willing to make faces like those is seriously passionate about her craft and deserves all the awards. No pride. No shame. Just jutting jaws and snot. Fantastic. 

Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy: 


Chandler: This was one of the shows I've only caught part of once by accident. I was intrigued and would watch it, you know, if I had a day off and nothing else was on and I didn't already have plans to do something else.

Best Television Series - Drama: 


Joanna: YES. Really, the only way this show could be better is if Damian Lewis took his shirt off more. (And there were more pictures of it on the internet-- what the hell, internet?)

Best Foreign Language Film: 


We didn't see any of the foreign language films, and we always feel guilty about that. And since we never see them we never really care who wins, so we feel doubly guilty about that. So we've got a lot guilt. We're sorry, World. We're sorry, foreign language film casts and crews. And foreign language fans. 

Best Animated Film: 


Brave gets a lot of heat for not living up to the "Pixar Standard" but we enjoyed it. And her hair was crazy, like, from both technological and stylistic perspectives.

Best Original Score - Motion Picture: Life of Pi

John Williams was nominated. He's still at it, huh? Good for him.

Best Original Song - Motion Picture: 

Adele and Paul Epworth for "Skyfall"

Joanna: Skyfall isn't just a great Bond song, it's a great song, period. I don't like Bond, James Bond, movies in general but I can't deny they've provided some fantastic music over the years: the theme, Live and Let Die, um...and others, but this was jazzy, sexy, romantic hotness of a song. And "Skyfall" is such a stupid non-word, too. 

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture: 

Quentin Tarantino for Django Unchained

That seems about right. 

Best Director - Motion Picture: 

Ben Affleck for Argo

Joanna: Ben Affleck gets a lot of crap for being Ben Affleck...and Daredevil. But The Town? Gone, Baby, Gone? Those are decent flicks, and he directed them both. Now he's best director for Argo? I think he's earned a little respect. Not a lot, Gigli happened, but some.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture: 

Anne Hathaway for Les Misérables

In her...very few minutes onscreen Ms. Hathaway delivered a truly devastating performance and every accolade she receives for it, hands down, no comparison. We hope she enjoys the Oscar that's coming to her. 

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture: Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained

The only word to describe Christoph Waltzs' performances is delicious. He is scrumptious. He luxuriates in every role to tasty, succulent, perfection. In short, Christoph Waltz is a delicacy. A German delicacy that is not sausage. He is a strudel. Avec creme

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy: Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook

Jennifer Lawrence over Meryl Streep, Maggie Smith, and Dame Judi Dench? I haven't seen this movie, but her performance better be fucking amazing. (And as for the controversy, she DID beat Meryl. Leave her alone.)

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy: 

Hugh Jackman for Les Misérables

Moving on...

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama: 

Jessica Chastain for Zero Dark Thirty

Of course it won. Because America. 

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama: 

Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln

It's nice he won the Golden Globe because he's probably not going to win the Oscar. 

Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy: Les Misérables

And the surprise goes to...

Best Motion Picture - Drama: Argo

Ben Affleck can use his two Golden Globes to wipe away his Oscar-snub tears. 

We're looking forward to the next gathering of the Justice League of America and The Avengers at The Oscars. 

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