Welcome to Movie Gaga's coverage of the 2012 Emmys. And I seriously paused typing that because for a second I thought it was the Oscars and therefore 2013 already. Oh, boy. We're going to have fun tonight.
Or I am, anyway. Chandler's indisposed. Won't tell me why. I'll make up reasons as we go. See if he ever does this to me again. I think not. But stay with me! Comment here, on my Facebook page (Plum Jo), and/or on my Twitter (@PlummyJo)...I'll definitely reply, because if you forgot, I'm all by myself!
Good luck to the nominees!
(Times listed are relative, based on what my laptop says and how long I think it's been since the thing I was writing about happened.)
Red Carpet Coverage, or "Hey, look, it's Edie Falco! I watch Nurse Jackie!":
7:48 pm: Edie Falco looks beautiful! Wow. Stunning. I just started watching but that's a spot on the best-dressed list for me.
Glad that's over.
Actual Awards Coverage:
Did I mention Chandler left me high and dry an hour before broadcast? I didn't? Well, he did! And I didn't even know we were doing a thing.
8:01: I love Kathy Bates. And those Emmy robes are awesome.
8:07: Lena Dunham is nominated 3 times and she's only 2 years older than Chandler. Let's not talk about how much older I am than Chandler. And he has something to do tonight. And I'm sitting here blogging about the two of them.
Actual, Actual Awards Coverage:
8:13: Eric Stonestreet just won for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.
8:20: Zooey Deschanel seems stoned. Or drunk. Which is funny. Expect an Actor Analysis on Zooey one day, because I have some thoughts. Oh, do I have thoughts. Chandler does, too, but his are mainly dirty.
8:21: Louis CK won Best Actor in a Comedy Series.
8:24: Julie Bowen won for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series.
8:26: I think Julie Bowen just admitted to polygamy instead of thanking her children's nannies/babysitters...
8:32: Kathy Bates and Jimmy Fallon won for Best Guest Appearance on a Comedy Series.
8:34: Steve Levitan won for Best Director, Comedy Series. If that was him "directing" Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate than his little introduction thing was hilarious. I wasn't paying much attention.
8:39: Jon Cryer won for Lead Actor in a Comedy. He's cutely flustered. No threepeat for Jim Parsons, though, which would be a shame if I didn't hate the word "threepeat." I may not even be spelling that right, and it doesn't even bother me.
8:46: Julia Louis-Dreyfus won Best Actress in a Comedy. Edie Falco's dress is still better. But that was funny with the swapped acceptance speeches. Amy Poehler hasn't made me laugh since Weekend Update.
8:49: Julia received the first official play-off of the night. Congratulations, Ms. Louis-Dreyfus.
8:52: The Amazing Race won Best Reality Something-I-Don't-Care-It's-Not-Project-Runway.
9:01: Tom Bergeron just won for Best Reality Host-I-Still-Don't-Care-It's-Not-Project-Runway.
9:04: Grey's Anatomy is still on?
9:06: Aaron Paul just won for Breaking Bad. He looks oddly familiar.
9:09: Aaron Paul was Sarah Henrickson's (Amanda Seyfried) baby daddy on Big Love. Boom. In other news, Chandler is enjoying his mani-pedi and facial.
9:16: Homeland won Best Writing in a Drama, 100% deservedly. Then they got played off like, 30 seconds later.
9:18: Maggie Smith deserved that Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Emmy just on her facial expressions alone, good Lord.
9:24: I went to get a drink and have no idea if I missed anything or not. Jeremy Davies and Martha Plimpton won Best Guest Appearance in a Drama.
9:25: God, I love Buscemi.
9:26: Jim or Tim Van Patten won for Boardwalk Empire. He did something for it really well.
I knew the wheels would come off the wagon eventually.
9:29: Damian Lewis won Lead Actor in a Drama. Homeland is awesome. Damian's color commentary tidbit was he was born in St. John's Wood, London. There's a tube station there and yes, it's a lot of fun to say "I like to get off on St. John's Wood." loudly and in public.
9:37: I wish I could rag on Tina Fey now unreservedly without Chandler's yelling at me in her defense, but I actually like her dress a lot, for once. Her hair is stupid, though.
9:39: Claire Danes won for Homeland. Rock on, Claire. She also wins on facial expressions alone.
9:40: Nice dig on the writer's acceptance speech play-off! Also, rock on, Claire, for the first reference to Mandy Patinkin all night.
9:46: Louis CK won his 3rd Emmy of the night just now. Something about Variety shows, I don't even know anymore, I can't keep up, even with the 20 minutes of commercials in between awards.
9:50: YES. Gervais. About time. Outstanding Direction for a Variety Special. Why is this on and why is this on now? Ricky's right, this is totally unnecessary...
9:53: I wonder if Glen Weiss knew there was a guy standing next to him holding an Emmy. I also wonder if they're going to play him off for taking too long when he's the director...Oh snap, he called my joke while I was typing it.
9:57: Best laugh all night! Fallon and Colbert tackling Jon Stewart, hahaha. 10 years of the best Variety Series. Good work, Daily Show.
9:59: Jon just got the longest-- only?-- bleep-out of the night. Good work, again. That'd totally be me. I'd win something, get up there, and go, "F***." I wouldn't even do it in French like Jean DuJardin. I'd just yell it out. For instance, speaking of my time in London, I tripped over a rug in Buckingham Palace because of course I did, and boy did I let it fly then. I was embarrassed until I realized a lot of awesome people have probably said worse in that building. Lord knows Prince Harry has. If I'm lucky, Churchill did.
10:04: Why does Patricia Clarkson always have cancer in stuff? Professional Cancer Patient Pretender. And heck yeah, American Horror Story! Watch it. Ohhhh goddd why isn't this over yet--
10:06: Yay, Buscemi!
10:07: Yay, Jessica Lange for American Horror Story! Lead in a Mini-Series, I think? I got distracted by Buscemi.
10:15: Tom Berenger just won for Best Supporting in a Mini Series for Hatfields and McCoys.
10:20: Gosh, some amazing people died this year...always a shame.
10:47: Tom Hanks? Where did he come from? I think I fell asleep.
10:49: Homeland won Best Drama series-- there's Mandy! And that actress I like whose name I can never remember. Inara from Firefly.
10:53: This may be a horrible thing to say about somebody, but when Sofia Vergara is...for whatever reason, in my vision-- especially that picture she did done up like Lucille Ball-- all I can think of is Hank Azaria in The Birdcage saying he's "Lucy and Ricky."
10:56: Ooooh, Michael J. Fox!! The poor dear, he really seemed to be struggling to speak...and open the envelope...I'm a little weepy now. I don't watch Modern Family, so whatever, but oh, Michael.
It's over! And I almost didn't f*** up too badly! If you find my coverage lacking, take it up with Chandler, who I hear was enjoying the company of a paid escort. He said he was going to maybe make vlogs, I don't know. I was busy. Not as busy as he was (getting his money's worth and all), but maybe check those out. I'm not responsible for their content, though.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to declare Movie Gaga officially returned from our summer hiatus. We're sorry for deserting you and hope to do better by you in the future.
Goodnight and congratulations to tonight's Emmy Winners! Next year more NPH, I say.