The Oscars

Chandler: For a few years now, Jo and I have had this tradition of texting each other back and forth our thoughts on the Oscars. Now that we have this joint movie blog, I thought, "Hey, why don't we do a 'live-blog' thingy this year? Our snarky comments should be a gift to everyone on the internet!"Great idea me! If this goes well, I'll just chalk it up to my brilliance. If not, eh, it was worth a shot.

Also, I think I should mention that I haven't exactly seen any of the movies up for awards, so that should set the bar for how this post is going to go. And I totally thought it started at 7. This should be fun.

Jo: Chandler also had the brilliant idea to less live blog and more semi-live blog while I was in the bath. I mention the bath because I'm trying to entice readers with nudity.

It's nice this way, though, because now I don't have my phone bleeping at me 100 times in 2 hours like the last few years. That's not an exaggeration. And no, I have it set to one beep for texts, not 3.

And, yeah, Chandler and I haven't seen like, any of these movies. I'm one-up on him, though, because I saw The Artist.

(Morgan Freeman’s opening speech)

J: Did I miss Billy Crystal's opening?

C: this isn't Billy Crystal?

J: ...I don't think so

Oh, there he is

Don't be worried, Billy, it can't possibly be worse than last year

C: thank god they're not trying to pander to a younger demographic

...and there's Justin Beiber

J: I don't like that I've been included in Bieber's demographic

C: well I must admit, I did smile once during that intro

J: Was it the horse ball joke? Because that wasn't it for me

C: no, surprisingly it was the Justin Beiber part

J: Haha, you just scored my first chuckle for the night

C: aka "we really screwed the pooch with last year's hosts"

J: Aw, look at JEJ! He's so old

(Billy Crystal’s opening song) This is cute

C: it's not bad

I’m sure this would be a lot funnier if I had actually seen any of these movies

J: It'd be a lot funnier if it was Neil Patrick Harris, too. He should host everything until he dies, I think.

C: these opening numbers NEVER go on too long...

J: He had to get through 9 movies, give him a little credit, curmudgeon

(Tom Hanks is talking)

C: Tom Hanks is working that beard, and that old guy is rocking that tux

J: They really are

And could Tom be more charming? He's adorable.

(Nominees for Visual awards being listed)

C: I must say, all those movies DID look amazing

based on those 2 second clips

(Robert Richardson just won for Hugo's cinematography)

J: And the commercials for it did all look beautiful

C: wow, Hugo is two for two

J: Dante Ferretti and...his wife...just won for Hugo's Art Direction. We can't complain, I don't think.

C: wife? I thought that was a wax statue

J: Haha, she was a little stiff. At first I thought they had cut the microphone off when she was moving her mouth and nothing was coming out

C: oh god, I forgot that Sandra bullock won an academy award

almost as bad as Jennifer Hudson

J: Yeah, but remember halfway through Black Swan when I whispered to you that Natalie was going to win the Oscar and she did? That was awesome. For me. And Natalie.

C: you think Kevin Costner is going to do a tribute to Whitney Houston?

J: Good question. Did she ever win an Oscar?

(Montage plays for some reason)

J: The fuck is Twilight doing in an Oscar montage?

C: what is this montage, just movies?

J: I think they're past nominees, maybe?

C: I’m pretty sure they reuse the same clips every year for this montage

J: That's probably true

(Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez are presenting for Costuming)

C: whoa, totally picking up some j. lo areola

J: You're looking a lot closer than me

Jane Eyre had fantastic costuming

but Mark Bridges just won for The Artist

And did you even know Albert Nobbs was a movie? I didn’t. All of a sudden it was like, "Glen Close as a man!"

C: I love how the winners in every category but actors and directors have nice, concise speeches

(The Iron Lady wins Best Makeup)

really? the iron lady for makeup?

J: I agree with that, especially when they make her old. I've seen pictures, they did AMAZING work

but, c'mon, harry potter?

Harry Potter should have won 10 years ago

C: I never understand how fantasy/sci-fi movies rarely win for best make-up or visual effects

J: I think it has something to do with CGI

(Celebrities are talking about their first movie theater experiences)

C: Brad Pitt talking about the War of the Gargantuas? I think I’m in love

J: Wow, okay. You two go be nerds together. But that was cute, the stars talking about their first movies like that

(A piece of baseball-related Oscar trivia is given)

C: did we really need to know the baseball movie fact? I already have enough useless information rolling around in my head

J: Some people like baseball movies.

Like me

C: but facts like that are like those superfluous sports statistics

"so and so is the first quarterback to throw 35 yards during a lunar eclipse on the first day of the fall harvest"

J: yeah, but this was about movies

(Sandra Bullock is presenting)

Sandra's lit horribly- it looks like she has no neck

C: whoa, they make movies in Canada?

J: Aw, that's a Scott Pilgrim quote and I'm dropping the ball

(Christian Bale presenting)

C: oh, Christian Bale with that black on black

J: 'cause he's a tough guy

C: I love when actors get nominated for comedic roles

J: Agreed. They're underappreciated.

(Best Supporting Actress nominees are being listed)

My mother wanted to know why the girl from The Artist is only nominated for Best Supporting Actress instead of Best Actress even though she's the lead actress in the movie. I think it's because she doesn't actually ever say a word in the film, but I'm not sure

C: the same reason why Andy Serkis is ineligible for being nominated: the academy needs to change its standards

(Octavia Spencer wins)

J: And can I just say that I love when they cry? Because I do

C: again, I think it's funny that only actors/actresses get overly emotional when they win but make-up artists or cinematographers just calmly pull out their speech, read it, and peace out

J: I didn't want to comment on ego...but I will say, after spending much time with actors, actors' emotions are screwed the hell up. They keep everything on the surface so they can call it back when they need it for a scene.

(Christopher Guest and company are enacting a fake focus group viewing of The Wizard of Oz)

Christopher Guest's crew!! I love these guys.

C: aw, I thought they really had footage of focus groups, I’m kinda disappointed

J: Did they have focus groups then?

C: I don't know

(Billy Crystal is thanking the people that helped film the opening skits)

J: Did Billy Crystal just thank Sammy Davis Jr.?

C: yes

J:...isn't he dead?

C: yeah, but Billy crystal was in blackface playing him, remember?

J: I thought it was an impersonator they got off the street or something, haha

C: at least I thought it was him, definitely not a black person playing him

J: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo just won for editing. I've been meaning to read that book. And see both movies.

(The winners of best sound editing receive their awards)

C: that was sure awkward

J: And speaking of The Social Network, did you know Rooney Mara, the girl with the Dragon Tattoo in GWTDT, was the girl from the beginning of The Social Network? I was shocked.

(Later)

C: why does the academy hate transformers?

J: Hugo won again.

I think it may have something to do with not being able to separate bad acting from everything else. Probably why HP never won anything, come to think of it

And I will say this, Tina Fey doesn't look totally awful

C: each component is separate, just because it was a good movie overall doesn't mean it should automatically win in each category it was nominated

J: Oh, God, I just saw a full body shot of Tina Fey, I take back my compliment

Unless she's pregnant

C: she did just have a baby

J: Wasn't that a while ago? Or have I lost track of her babies? 2 or 3?

C: I think she has two kids now

and if you could use the word "phenomenal" to describe any aspect of transformers, it would have to be visual effects and sound design

(Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy!)

C: I love it when Muppets present at award shows

J: I love Miss Piggy's hair!

Oh, there you go, Chand, Danny Elfman composed the Cirque du Soleil bit coming up

C: aw, Kermit didn't go "YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

J: Right? I love when he flips out. But I guess he was being refined for the Oscars

(Cirque du Soleil is performing)

C: I am so scared for these guys right now

J: AWESOMENESS

She's standing on his head!

C: that is way too high in the air for these types of shenanigans

J: awesome shenanigans

C: hey, no standing ovation, that one dude totally messed up

J: It happens

(Billy Crystal is calling people old)

Haha, Christopher Plummer wanders off

C: man, Billy crystal is killing it tonight

(Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey, Jr. are presenting)

J: Why's the microphone at her crotch?

(Microphone is replaced by RDJ’s crew’s microphone)

C: there you go

J: this is almost funny

C: what a beautiful, beautiful man

J: Some guys just won Best Documentary, but Chandler's still in post-RDJ glow

(Later)

C: first f-bomb of the night coupled with first "play off," classy!

J: Wowww, not only did they start playing but they actually did cut the microphone

(Chris Rock is bashing voice over artists while presenting for best animated feature, because that makes sense. See Chandler’s article Some People Can Talk Gooder Than Others)

C: did I mention how much I hate Chris Rock?

J: Oh boy. Brace yourselves, folks, Chandler's going to rip Chris Rock a new one

C: I’m not even going to waste my time

J: but there goes voice actors ever getting the recognition they deserve

you should write a thing about how dumb he is

C: talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel for best animated film

J: I seriously just got Gore Verbinski and Gore Vidal confused

Is Johnny Depp not there? They didn't show him when the Rango guy just thanked him

C: probably not, it's Johnny Depp

(Billy Crystal and Melissa McCarthy are giving a little special effects intro or something, and apparently it’s like that one part of that movie.)

haha, it's like that one part of that movie, Bridesmaids

(Emma Stone and Ben Stiller are presenting for visual effects)

Emma Stone is so freaking adorable

J: She really is

C: so is Emma Watson (Completely unrelated other than the fact her first name also happens to be Emma)

J: That was actually cute, and I haven't liked Ben Stiller since Reality Bites

C: hey, I actually saw some of these movies!

J: c'mon HP

(Hugo wins again)

C: are you fucking kidding me?

J: Wow. Maybe I should see Hugo.

C: I would have preferred any of those movies to Hugo

J: did you see it?

C: no, but I saw transformers, harry potter, and planet of the apes and they were all visually astounding

it's golden compass all over again

J: Don't do that, I hate that. Maybe Hugo was better

(Best supporting actor nominees are being listed)

C: I cannot believe Jonah hill is nominated for best supporting actor, I would have never looked at him and thought "you know, one day, he'll be contending for the highest award an actor can receive"

don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome

J: I still say it's all because of Aaron Sorkin. His words make anybody sound good

Christopher Plummer won! Oh, yay! I love him. I had the BIGGEST crush on Captain Von Trapp, I'm not even kidding.

...what's wrong with his nose?

C: it's 82 years old

J: but...it's like, blue

I had two 96 year old great grandmothers, their noses were never blue

C: Christopher Plummer does a lot of voice over work, which is cool

J: Yeah, but you heard Chris Rock, it's SO EASY

C: that's exactly why I wrote that blog post, "actors" think they can just walk into a recording booth and just talk, so that's all they do (See link above)

(Billy Crystal is letting the viewing audience in on what the celebrities at the ceremony are thinking)

J: I hated March of the Moron Penguins

C: that was a great line about Tyler Perry

J: it really was

C: dog in a bow tie!

J: Moron Penguins. "Let's march back and forth across ANTARCTICA a couple times a year. Why? I don't know! Oops, I died."

C: birds are dumb

(Somebody's talking about movie music to introduce the music awards)

I really hope they perform "Man or Muppet"

J: Ask me why there are only 2 nominees for best song! Ask me why there are only 2 nominees for best song!

C: go for it

J: Stupid academy rules!

Short-listed songs are voted on by the 236 members of the AMPS music branch on a scale of 6 to 10

C: ouch, john Williams nominated twice in the same category lost to a guy with no formal musical training

J: If no song manages an 8.25 average there are no nominees

If only one song gets an 8.25 then it and it's next highest rated competitor are the nominees

And John Williams has more nominations than anyone else ever in Oscar history, he'll be okay

I got my info here at Original Song Oscar Rules

(Will Ferrell and Zach Galifin-who-cares come out to be obnoxious.)

C: oh god

two overrated comedians!

finally

J: Okay, the It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp joke was funny

(Man or Muppet wins Best Original Song)

C: definitely deserves the award over Rio

J: I haven't seen it yet and I just applied to a job at a puppet museum

C: was Jason Segel tearing up? if so, that was adorable

J: he really was

(Angelina Jolie comes to the stage to present the writing awards. Chandler gets distracted by-)

C: leeeeeeeeeegs

check out the gams on that dame!

J: she needs to eat a damn sandwich

c'monnnnn Aaron Sorkin! C'monnn Aaron Sorkin!!!

(The guys that wrote the script for The Descendants win)

The Groundlings, I believe, are one of the groups that became SNL, so that's kind of cool, even if they aren't Aaron Sorkin.

(Chandler notices my sandwich comment.)

C: I can't have you bad mouthing both Tina Fey and Angelina Jolie, not on the same night

J: Did you SEE her dress and do you SEE her shoulders?

C: did you SEE her legs?

J: I saw some twigs sticking out of her dress

(The clip for Bridesmaids' Original Script nomination is playing)

J: Wow. A "your face" joke. Oscar-worthy!

C: right?

J: We could write "your face" jokes

we DO write your face jokes

Or I do, anyway. Or have.

C: your FACE does

J: your MOM does

C: apparently bridesmaids was really good

J: I heard there's a superfluous food poisoning scene

C: yeah, that falls under the "women being overly vulgar to get a laugh" category that I can't stand

which, so far, looks like the whole movie can be classified as such

J: which is why I'm hesitant to see it

J: but remember Diablo Cody won for Juno, so there's hope for good writers

C: yeah, and there ARE some original ideas left in Hollywood

at least a comedy screenplay got nominated

J: True

(Celebrities are talking about movie memories again)

Edward Norton! Where have you been, my love?

C: wanting too much money to be in the avengers

(Milla Jovovich is talking about something)

hey, Milla Jovovich with a shirt on!

also, I totally spelled her name right without looking

J: There's a lot of triumph in your last few messages there

(The cast of Bridesmaids comes out to present a few awards for some reason)

Is Maya Rudolph crying?

C: women doing penis jokes

hilarious!

J: HA HA HA

C: just smashing right through the glass ceiling

in all seriousness, I’d like to know who writes the jokes for the academy awards cause they are mediocre at the absolute best

only seasoned vets like Billy crystal can make them work

J: They've been a little better this year than most

but maybe that's why

(Someone in the audience yells out "Scorsese!" while two Bridesmaids are presenting and they take out small bottles of [probably] vodka, yell "Scorsese!" and drink)

C: what the hell just happened?

J: I'm really not sure...were they doing a drinking game during the Oscars while at the Oscars?

C: possibly, good catch

(Later)

did they get identical twins to escort the winners off stage?

J: I don't know, but that's attention to detail. On your part and theirs.

C: who were those girls presenting the best animated short award?

J: The one on the right is on The Office and was in Bridesmaids so I'm assuming the other girl was the last of the Bridesmaids, too

(The best animated short winners call themselves "swamp rats")

Chandler and Jo Trivia: Speaking of Swamp Rats, winners of best animated short, our high school's wrestling team are the Swamp Rats.

C: our wrestling team was called the swamp rats?

J: Indeed. In fact, they've painted "The Swamp" and "Swamp Rats" all over the old gym

C: why the swamp rats?

J: Don't know, but that's what they've always been

and the hockey team are the Polar Bears

C: I could see if we lived near the pine barrens

the polar bears makes sense, but swamp rats?

that's dumb

J: No, I know, I reacted the same way when I found out 10 years ago

(Michael Douglas comes out to present looking wonderfully healthy- rock on, Michael Douglas)

Oh! Michael looks really good!

He was looking really sick for a while there when he was really sick

C: oh yeah, he does

(People keep talking about Steven Spielberg during the broadcast and the camera keeps panning to him when talking about awesome directing)

J: Spielberg isn't nominated for Best Director, are they trying to rub it in?

C: yes

are we, as a culture, ever going to come to an agreement on how to pronounce martin Scorsese's last name?

J: I have the captions on because that's how I like to watch TV, and they were having trouble with the sync just now and said that Woody Allen was nominated for "Midnight in Hugo"

And no. Not ever.

(Later)

C: man, we should have kept a tally on how many people are wearing buddy holly glasses

J: Hipsters poison the water

(Meryl's awful dress.)

Jesus, Meryl, isn't not 1983

(Later)

C: oh my god, James Earl Jones

I get tingles every time that man talks

J: I think it has something to do with resonant frequencies

C: don't even try to downplay James earl Jones, you're not THAT cool

J: haha, I know, I was going for a sound nerd joke

(Matthew Broderick's Ferris Bueller car commercial comes on)

C: hey, remember when Matthew Broderick was in that one movie? and how he's using that to sell cars now?

J: That's so funny, I was watching a Behind the Scenes of Ferris Bueller thing the other day and I was like, "wow, he really hasn't done anything since."

(In Memoriam)

aw, Peter Falk (I almost cried when he said "As you wish.")

C: how do they decide the order of the "in memoriam" section?

J: Don't know. Certainly not chronological

C: or alphabetical

J: I think they have in the past, though...it maybe be different every year

C: as terrible as it may sound, but I think it might be based on popularity

J: Whitney would have been higher, then

when Roy Schneider died he just missed the cut off date for that year's In Memoriam and the next year he was like, first

C: no, see, I think they sprinkle in more well known people so that viewers aren't thinking "don't know him/her" the whole time until the very end

J: this year I think they wanted to put the people they had quotes for in an instrumental section of the song

C: I think it's really sad that the guy who played Uncle Ben died

J: The rice guy?

C: cause, as most comic book nerds know, Uncle Ben is one of the few comic book characters who stays dead

J: oh oh oh

my bad

C: too soon

(Introducing Natalie Portman, Billy Crystal says little girls want to grow up to be Natalie Portman, who's presenting the Best Actor award.)

J: I DO want to be Natalie Portman

C: I think all my Hollywood crushes presented tonight

except Johnny Depp

J: Haha, well...some of mine have talked

like Jason Isaacs, popped up out of nowhere, handsome boy

Oh, Nat, stop looking at the teleprompter

C: Jason Isaacs is going to be in this new show on, I think, NBC

J: I knnnnnooooooow! I'm so excited

And my future husband, Edward Norton

WHAT

wait

this is Gary Oldman's first nomination? What the fuck?

C: wow, this is Gary Oldman's first nomination?

J: wow

(Jean DuJardin wins.)

C: if you sing and/or dance in a movie, you WILL be nominated for an academy award

it's official

J: or play a hooker or disabled person

C: Natalie Portman won last year, Chicago won best picture

those are the only two I can think of off the top of my head

J: Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, the guy from The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Jennifer Hudson sang

C: how could I forget

J: seriously

Charlize Theron

C: c'mon, everyone knows the disabled/hooker rule

J: your precious Angelina

and Jean was really good!

(Colin Firth is presenting Best Actress.)

I have a thing for Colin Firth, I do

C: yet you don't say anything about him looking at the teleprompter

J: I'm sorting my pills for the week, but you're right, he's worse than Natalie

C: Rooney Mara looks so...weird

J: yeah, but she's totally normal looking in The Social Network

I think she's playing up the weird thing for the movie

C: she needs to stop, she looks like she crawled out of the uncanny valley

(Meryl wins.)

wow, really?

J: Meryl won, and can I say, "Called it"

C: I love Meryl and all, but, really?

all she does now are portrayals

(Meryl makes a joke about people being annoyed she won.)

J: Wow, Meryl just nailed you

Like who?

C: gee, I don't know

Margaret Thatcher

Julia child

like I said, I adore her but I would rather have someone win for portraying an original character

J: Okay, that's 2. And anyway, what difference does it make when they become someone else? Someone not themselves in a believable way?

C: no, it's because you already have the template there, you're not acting so much as reenacting situations that more or less had already happened

J: Which gives a really harsh basis for comparison- if you blow it it's always there that they were nothing alike

C: when it's an original character, all you have is your interpretation of a description, you have to create a character from scratch and then breathe life into them

yeah, but when you portray someone from real life it's either you did a good job of playing them or you didn't

with original characters, there's much more room for creativity and artist liberty

J: So...what? The research is too easy for you?

See, I see your point, but it's like two sides of the same coin

C: look, I’m not completely bashing actor portrayals, I definitely respect them, but it's just a personal preference, that's all

J: oh, hey, the Oscars are over

C: and research goes into every role if you're doing it right

J: that's what I was saaaaying

C: well, once again transformers was robbed of an Oscar

J: and Harry Potter

C: and "Man or Muppet" won, so the Oscars pretty much went as I had expected

and any other time I’d be happy to see Meryl Streep win, but surprisingly, not tonight

boom, final thoughts

J: Very nice.

Yeah, no big surprises on this end...but I do take back what I said eariler, Billy Crystal can host the Oscars, but Neil Patrick Harris gets everything else.