Random: This Train Don't Stop

I think what brought this on was this fever I have (thanks, nephew) and hearing (NSFW) "D*** in a Box" come up on my iPod:

Remember when Justin Timberlake played a Young Elton John in an Older Elton John's music video for a Then-New song? This Train Don't Stop Here Anymore. For some reason (fever?) thinking about this made me laugh hard enough to post it on here out of nowhere.

And start the music portion of our Media Blitz.

Look at the fake gap in his teeth!

Also, I like the song better now than I did then. Fever?



Chandler may have a problem with this. Just...all of it.

The Quick and the Scared

Well it's October so it's time for an obligatory Halloween centric blog post. Instead of talking about my favorite horror movie, however, I'm going to do what I do best: talk about things that annoy me.

I appreciate a good scary movie now and again. I just recently watched George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" for the first time and I absolutely loved it. It had all the right ingredients for not only a great horror movie, but a great movie in general: fantastic story, a perfectly suited atmosphere, and to top it all off, it had an African-American in the lead role who was smart, well-spoken, and didn't die in the first ten minutes of the movie. Even more impressive was the fact that this movie was shot in the late 60s amongst extremely high racial tension. I don't know why it took me so long to see this movie, given my pro-zombie disposition, but I'm a better person for doing so.

The plot of all the great slasher movies from the late 70s into the 80s were all the same, but they were the pioneers of that genre and movies were (and still are) very entertaining. It's now about 30 years later and horror movies now just rehash the same story: there are a group of people who wander somewhere unfamiliar and they are killed one by one until the movie ends. Thing is, writers and directors of current movies do nothing to improve the genre; if anything, the movies now are worse. There is no time spent building up tension with foreboding set and developing a well established threat or villain. The concern now is more on how gruesome the deaths can be or there are "jumpers" every five minutes than actually making a good movie.

Nothing bugs me more than "jumpers" in horror movies. "Jumpers" is the name for when there's a long period of silence in a movie before something jumps out (hence the name) to startle the audience. Bottom line: jumpers are cheap, lazy ways to scare movie goers. There's no need for foreboding sets or well established threats when these movies are doing the equivalent of what a child does to scare a sibling. The worst part is that now the entire remainder of the movie is spent in anticipation, waiting for something to pop out unexpectedly. I get that's the point of the movie and that's why people see these movies in the first place, but for me, as soon as the first jumper appears, my focus shifts from the dialogue or plot to wondering which dark corner the killer will jump out from behind next.

What I think is truly scary are psychological thrillers. The horror movie slasher can always be defeated or outran, but what if the true horror is all in your mind (cue lightning and maniacal laughter)? Almost every episode of "The Twilight Zone" dealt with someone losing their sanity but that's what made them equally terrifying and entertaining. Whatever was menacing them was all in their mind, therefore making the threat unescapable thereby making it even more terrifying. It takes actual writing skill to develop characters and then gradually break down the human psyche over the course of a movie.

A horror movie should not be about how much blood is shown on screen or how brutal a certain kill was, but rather making the audience feel unsettled and uncomfortable in their own mind. That's why so many people are afraid of the dark; they know nothing is there, but they're terrified of what could be there. And the best part is: whatever unseen, unspeakable thing is lurking in the unknown is being imagined by the scared party themselves. The best horror movie words to live by? Nothing is scarier.

Emmys 2012: The Media Blitz with Just Jo

Welcome to Movie Gaga's coverage of the 2012 Emmys. And I seriously paused typing that because for a second I thought it was the Oscars and therefore 2013 already. Oh, boy. We're going to have fun tonight.

Or I am, anyway. Chandler's indisposed. Won't tell me why. I'll make up reasons as we go. See if he ever does this to me again. I think not. But stay with me! Comment here, on my Facebook page (Plum Jo), and/or on my Twitter (@PlummyJo)...I'll definitely reply, because if you forgot, I'm all by myself!

Good luck to the nominees!

(Times listed are relative, based on what my laptop says and how long I think it's been since the thing I was writing about happened.)

Red Carpet Coverage, or "Hey, look, it's Edie Falco! I watch Nurse Jackie!":

7:48 pm: Edie Falco looks beautiful! Wow. Stunning. I just started watching but that's a spot on the best-dressed list for me.

Glad that's over.


Actual Awards Coverage:

Did I mention Chandler left me high and dry an hour before broadcast? I didn't? Well, he did! And I didn't even know we were doing a thing.

Opening:
8:01: I love Kathy Bates. And those Emmy robes are awesome.

8:07: Lena Dunham is nominated 3 times and she's only 2 years older than Chandler. Let's not talk about how much older I am than Chandler. And he has something to do tonight. And I'm sitting here blogging about the two of them.

Actual, Actual Awards Coverage:
8:13: Eric Stonestreet just won for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.

8:20: Zooey Deschanel seems stoned. Or drunk. Which is funny. Expect an Actor Analysis on Zooey one day, because I have some thoughts. Oh, do I have thoughts. Chandler does, too, but his are mainly dirty.

8:21: Louis CK won Best Actor in a Comedy Series.

8:24: Julie Bowen won for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series.

8:26: I think Julie Bowen just admitted to polygamy instead of thanking her children's nannies/babysitters...

8:32: Kathy Bates and Jimmy Fallon won for Best Guest Appearance on a Comedy Series.

8:34: Steve Levitan won for Best Director, Comedy Series. If that was him "directing" Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate than his little introduction thing was hilarious. I wasn't paying much attention.

8:39: Jon Cryer won for Lead Actor in a Comedy. He's cutely flustered. No threepeat for Jim Parsons, though, which would be a shame if I didn't hate the word "threepeat." I may not even be spelling that right, and it doesn't even bother me.

8:44: COLBERT!

8:46: Julia Louis-Dreyfus won Best Actress in a Comedy. Edie Falco's dress is still better. But that was funny with the swapped acceptance speeches. Amy Poehler hasn't made me laugh since Weekend Update.

8:49: Julia received the first official play-off of the night. Congratulations, Ms. Louis-Dreyfus.

8:52: The Amazing Race won Best Reality Something-I-Don't-Care-It's-Not-Project-Runway.

9:01: Tom Bergeron just won for Best Reality Host-I-Still-Don't-Care-It's-Not-Project-Runway.

9:04: Grey's Anatomy is still on?

9:06: Aaron Paul just won for Breaking Bad. He looks oddly familiar.

9:09: Aaron Paul was Sarah Henrickson's (Amanda Seyfried) baby daddy on Big Love. Boom. In other news, Chandler is enjoying his mani-pedi and facial.

9:16: Homeland won Best Writing in a Drama, 100% deservedly. Then they got played off like, 30 seconds later.

9:18: Maggie Smith deserved that Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Emmy just on her facial expressions alone, good Lord.

9:24: I went to get a drink and have no idea if I missed anything or not. Jeremy Davies and Martha Plimpton won Best Guest Appearance in a Drama.

9:25: God, I love Buscemi.

9:26: Jim or Tim Van Patten won for Boardwalk Empire. He did something for it really well.

I knew the wheels would come off the wagon eventually.

9:29: Damian Lewis won Lead Actor in a Drama. Homeland is awesome. Damian's color commentary tidbit was he was born in St. John's Wood, London. There's a tube station there and yes, it's a lot of fun to say "I like to get off on St. John's Wood." loudly and in public.

9:37: I wish I could rag on Tina Fey now unreservedly without Chandler's yelling at me in her defense, but I actually like her dress a lot, for once. Her hair is stupid, though.

9:39: Claire Danes won for Homeland. Rock on, Claire. She also wins on facial expressions alone.

9:40: Nice dig on the writer's acceptance speech play-off! Also, rock on, Claire, for the first reference to Mandy Patinkin all night.

9:46: Louis CK won his 3rd Emmy of the night just now. Something about Variety shows, I don't even know anymore, I can't keep up, even with the 20 minutes of commercials in between awards.

9:50: YES. Gervais. About time. Outstanding Direction for a Variety Special. Why is this on and why is this on now? Ricky's right, this is totally unnecessary...

9:53: I wonder if Glen Weiss knew there was a guy standing next to him holding an Emmy. I also wonder if they're going to play him off for taking too long when he's the director...Oh snap, he called my joke while I was typing it.

9:57: Best laugh all night! Fallon and Colbert tackling Jon Stewart, hahaha. 10 years of the best Variety Series. Good work, Daily Show.

9:59: Jon just got the longest-- only?-- bleep-out of the night. Good work, again. That'd totally be me. I'd win something, get up there, and go, "F***." I wouldn't even do it in French like Jean DuJardin. I'd just yell it out. For instance, speaking of my time in London, I tripped over a rug in Buckingham Palace because of course I did, and boy did I let it fly then. I was embarrassed until I realized a lot of awesome people have probably said worse in that building. Lord knows Prince Harry has. If I'm lucky, Churchill did.

10:04: Why does Patricia Clarkson always have cancer in stuff? Professional Cancer Patient Pretender. And heck yeah, American Horror Story! Watch it. Ohhhh goddd why isn't this over yet--

10:06: Yay, Buscemi!

10:07: Yay, Jessica Lange for American Horror Story! Lead in a Mini-Series, I think? I got distracted by Buscemi.

10:15: Tom Berenger just won for Best Supporting in a Mini Series for Hatfields and McCoys.

10:20: Gosh, some amazing people died this year...always a shame.

10:47: Tom Hanks? Where did he come from? I think I fell asleep.

10:49: Homeland won Best Drama series-- there's Mandy! And that actress I like whose name I can never remember. Inara from Firefly.

10:53: This may be a horrible thing to say about somebody, but when Sofia Vergara is...for whatever reason, in my vision-- especially that picture she did done up like Lucille Ball-- all I can think of is Hank Azaria in The Birdcage saying he's "Lucy and Ricky."

10:56: Ooooh, Michael J. Fox!! The poor dear, he really seemed to be struggling to speak...and open the envelope...I'm a little weepy now. I don't watch Modern Family, so whatever, but oh, Michael.



It's over! And I almost didn't f*** up too badly! If you find my coverage lacking, take it up with Chandler, who I hear was enjoying the company of a paid escort. He said he was going to maybe make vlogs, I don't know. I was busy. Not as busy as he was (getting his money's worth and all), but maybe check those out. I'm not responsible for their content, though.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to declare Movie Gaga officially returned from our summer hiatus. We're sorry for deserting you and hope to do better by you in the future.

Goodnight and congratulations to tonight's Emmy Winners! Next year more NPH, I say.

6 Seriously Rude Things People Do in Theaters (Even Though They Definitely Know Better)

When I went to see The Avengers (review coming soon) the other day I was shocked at the behavior of the people in the theater-- it was honestly one of the worst movie-going experiences I've ever had. And it's not even like it was some kind of crazy thing happened, like somebody setting their seat on fire, but things that people should really know better about. Things that are just common courtesy, things they would hate if other people did to them, they were just throwing around like...like...rude confetti?...or something.

And it's not like I don't understand emergencies or that things pop up, but really, there are some things we can all agree on.



1.) Sitting Unnecessarily Close to People

Sometimes there isn't much of a choice where you sit. And sometimes there's only 7 other people in the theater with you. I'm not talking about the former. I know that we all have our seating preferences, but really, we all know that average movie theater seating is first-come-first-served. So when you get to the theater and one of those 7 people is sitting in your seat-- with rows and rows of free seats around in all directions!-- don't sit directly in front of, next to, or behind them. Try to space yourself evenly from the other patrons. No,  you may not sit in the same row, that's still awkward. Be an adult and sit somewhere else. You are not Sheldon Cooper.

2.) Saving a Ridiculous Number of Seats, or Saving Them Too Long

This was the first of the cinema plagues I experienced seeing The Avengers with my friend Jason (@cptmrvl). You know that feeling when you turn the corner into Theater 7 or 12 or 24 or 2, and you see how full it is and your stomach just drops? Then wait! Look! There's some seats there! Great ones, too, wow! You make your way over to them to be told by the guy sitting at the end of the aisle, "Sorry, these are saved."

Damnit.

At the Avengers, this one guy was saving like, 14 seats. Which, okay, yeah, birthday party. Sure. Problem was the movie had been out for like, 2 days at this point and the theater was packed. People were actually sitting in those first three rows right up against the screen where nobody over the age of 10 willingly sits. And he continued saving them after the lights had gone out for the 15 minutes of previews that start at the listed screen time, so these people were technically late.

I already had a seat by this time, but I was distracted from the Dark Knight Rises preview by the guy telling a small group that the seats were being saved. I'm still a little pissed about that.

Look. If it's so important that a large group of people all sit together make sure you not only get there on time, but get there early. If it were up to me, and there were some way to enforce it, all saved seats would be forfeit when the lights go down. Scatter to the winds, people, you were late.



3.) Leaving Garbage

My goodness, people, clean up after yourselves. It's not that hard-- bottles and cups and bags and boxes are empty so it's not like they're too heavy. Garbage cans are provided, you're gonna walk by them anyway.

And don't you dare give me that crap about, "It's their job to clean up after me! If I didn't leave my crap around they wouldn't have anything to do! I'm getting my money's worth!"

No. You're lazy, rude, and selfish. Give the minimum wage high school students and recent college grads a break-- you would have appreciated it when you were in that position. Be the customer you wish you had, it'll make you a better person.



4.) Talking

I can't even believe I'm saying this. Whispering to the people sitting next to you (directly next to you if the lights are down, thank you) every once in a while is one thing. Flat out talking? You know better. It's not like you forgot. There are even at least 5 pre-show commercials reminding you not to be flappin' your jaws. Keep it down, people.



5.) Bringing Your Baby

Little Itty-Bitty isn't so cutsie-wootsie when she's screaming. Don't get me wrong, nobody loves babies more than me, really-- but not in a movie theater. Get a babysitter. If you MUST take the baby to the theater (though Lord only knows why), show a little consideration for the other patrons and take the baby OUT of the theater if and when it starts crying. This was another element of the terrible Avengers experience, a crying baby. Two seats away from me. Another woman in the audience actually yelled three or four times to the guy to shush the baby or take it out of the theater.

I don't understand what the problem is. Get someone to watch the baby. If you can't get someone to watch the baby, go to Redbox, it's way cheaper and if they baby starts screaming you can pause it. And you don't bother anyone else that ALSO shelled out the $10 to go see a movie.

And do people not realize they can get a refund in this situation? "Sorry, Johnny's screaming, we had to leave halfway through." Ta-da! Refund.


Just as bad, also, are children technically too young to be seeing the movie causing a disturbance. Years ago when I saw the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie in theaters there was a 4 year old sitting behind me that drove me up the wall. That time I was the one telling the parent to take their kid out of the theater-- the little boy asked who every character was every time someone new came on screen. AND he kicked my chair. Drove me nuts. And again, the theater was full because the movie had just come out.

I know, I know, how special a trip to the movies can be-- but if you're under 5 there's really no shame in not being able to handle it. Not that it can't be done, of course it can, but it's better for everyone involved if you just take your leave if things go wrong. (And you can get a &*!$#^@ refund!)



6.) USING YOUR CELL PHONE

This was the worst at The Avengers. And I freaking hate it.

Anyone who's seen me hold my lit cell phone above the head of the person sitting in front of me using their phone at the movies can speak to how much I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I'd rather have a crying baby. I'd rather have a crying baby on my head.

Everyone behind you can see that distracting little square of light. Have you ever noticed that? NO, because you're too busy looking at your phone!

Put it away. If you're so important or absolutely have to be available every second of the day you're too busy to go to the movies.

Set it on vibrate. Get up and go into the hallway if you have to answer something-- you can still see the screen! Sit on the aisle and leave the people around you in peace. Or, better yet, DON'T GO.

Drives me nuts.





There's a time and a place for everything. Movie theaters are not that place.

If you want to bring a small child, if you absolutely need to bring your cell phone, if you're bringing a group of 17 people that have to sit in a group, plan your trip to the cinema accordingly. Don't go the weekend the movie opens. Arrive well before your selected screening begins. Go at an unpopular time (shows will be cheaper then, too!). Excuse yourself if you have to. Shut your mouth. Clean up after yourself.

It really all comes down to the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Look at yourself and think, "If the person sitting next to me was doing this, would I be annoyed?" If you would be, then stop it. You're no more important than any other person in the room.

These aren't difficult things to do, but doing them would ensure a better movie-going experience for everyone-- and wouldn't that be nice?

Tandem Movie Review: The Hunger Games

Jo: In another case of "Reading is hard, guys...", Chandler has again opted out of reading a mega-bestselling young adult series. I, on the other hand, have added the mockingjay to the list of literary tattoos I plan on getting one day.

(For the curious, also on the list are the Deathly Hallows symbol, an "umbrella tree" from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and two stars- the one on the right a little fancier, it being the "second star to the right." If you don't get the reference you don't deserve to know.)

Yes, I'm a Hunger Games fan. And for the first time in a long time-- come to think of it, maybe ever-- I wasn't disappointed by a book-to-movie adaptation. Which isn't to say there weren't things I didn't like about it, but overall I did enjoy it. Chandler not so much.

Chandler: I’m never on the up and up when it comes to books turned movies. I knew nothing about Harry Potter until the third book was out. It took me a while before I discovered that Twilight was both a book and movie series. Naturally, I was surprised when I learned that the hype surrounding The Hunger Games was because it was a wildly popular book series. From now on, I’m just going to assume that every movie that comes out is a book adaptation so I seem “hip” and “with it”.

If you read my Harry Potter review (This-Post-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named), then you’ll know that, because I didn’t read the book, my review of the movie will be based solely on the quality of the movie rather than what I should know from the book. You didn’t know that? Well, you should have read my Harry Potter review.

I had the plot of The Hunger Games explained to me as “a bunch of kids go to a secluded area and fight each other to the death,” I was overwhelmingly unimpressed. This was the exact plot of the novel/manga/movie Battle Royale, the novel having been released in 2000. And Battle Royale isn’t some obscure story only popular in Japan; Battle Royale has a pretty strong following in the States and I’m surprised very few people have made the connection. Essentially, to me, The Hunger Games was the plot of Battle Royale with a bit of Twilight sprinkled in to appeal to adolescent girls between the ages of 12 and 18. I’ll admit that I had no intention of seeing this movie, but I was relieved when I found out that it wasn’t exactly what I had imagined. Still, however, the movie was certainly not for me.

The Hunger Games shares the same problem with the Godzilla movies. Stay with me here. The problem being that the main draw of the movie is right in the movie’s title so viewers aren’t so much as watching the movie as they are just waiting for this titular event to occur. The difference between the two movies (other than the obvious) is at least in the Godzilla movies, Godzilla makes a brief appearance early on in the movie to whet the audience’s appetite for what’s to come later. The Hunger Games was just one long, drawn out build up to the actual Games that, after a certain point, I didn’t even care what the characters were doing or saying, I just wanted them to start killing each other. I think having the movie in media res format-- that is, start the movie with the Hunger Games already in progress, then go back and show the events leading up to that point-- would have been a more engaging and exciting way of telling the story.

I understand that there is a certain amount of backstory and character development that must be done before we get to the action. However, in The Hunger Games, the backstory and character development becomes so heavy handed that it skews the pacing of the entire movie (i.e. it slows down a lot). I could peg each character’s defining trait as soon as they came onscreen (that’s good) but there were so many superfluous scenes devoted to further expound these already established traits that it became almost insulting to the viewer (that’s bad).

Amongst these scenes were two flashbacks that show up and then are never explained. The first shows Katniss watching Peeta throw burnt bread to some pigs in the rain, then more burnt bread to Katniss, and is beaten by his mother for doing so. This particular flashback appears almost every time Katniss and Peeta are together, but its significance is never made clear, only revealing that they have some shared history. The other, trippy flashback comes out of nowhere late in the film and, much like the first flashback, alludes to very little. Because of the dreamlike way it’s shot and the fact that only appears once so late in the film, this flashback is jarring and left me confused. However, because it revealed so little, I didn’t even give it a second thought.

Jo: I really didn't like how much I have had to explain to Chandler since we saw it because, like he always says, a movie should be a stand-alone unit and you shouldn't have had to read the books to understand. So there's a few things I'm kind bothered they left out, like the significance of the Mockingjay pin, the severity of Peeta's (Josh Hutcherson) illness in the cave, how important the loaf of bread that Peeta gave Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) was, and the importance of food in general because all of those things are referenced and are important to the plot. And those are only a few of the things Chandler asked me, we couldn't remember them all.

The two most egregious misses, I thought, were the pin and the significance of food. The food especially, in the book, is used to constantly illustrate how desperate the outer districts are and how decadent the Capitol and wealthy districts are, and how it's such a great incentive to win for the outer district tributes because a win promises extra food for their district for the following year. And I was seriously looking forward to seeing Katniss really tear into a meal-- probably the best meal of her very hungry life-- and offending Capitol appointed tribute escort Effie Trinket (Elizabeth Banks).

And don't hate me for saying this but I do wish Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth (Gale) and had been just a shade thinner. NOT as an aesthetic thing, but as a starving-to-death thing-- like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. In the beginning of the book, before Gale breaks out the roll he got, their breakfast was going to be sharing a lump of cheese.

• 
  

Chandler: With so much build leading up to the Hunger Games, the Games itself was a bit of a let down. Out of 24 competitors, we don’t even see half of them. The characters in the Friday the 13th movies survive longer than majority of the kids in the Hunger Games. Plus, we actually get to see them die. I was expecting an all out battle royale, what I got was a lot of bloodless violence and off screen deaths. On top of that, these off screen deaths made it hard to keep track of how many tributes were still alive. I did, however, like the fact that when the characters had a chance to kill, they took it. Except for one instance that irked me where a girl from one district (Clove, Isabelle Fuhrman) literally had a knife to Katniss’s throat, then decided to describe how she was going to make her suffer before killing her. Katniss, being the main character that she is, is saved last minute by one of the only black people in the movie. Now, if everyone was only trying to kill Katniss, the pre-murder taunting would have made sense. However, in a situation where everyone is equally trying to kill everyone, the gloating would have to take a back seat to neck slicing.

("Frozone: So now I'm in deep trouble. I mean, one more jolt of this death ray and I'm an epitaph. Somehow I manage to find cover and what does Baron von Ruthless do?
Mr. Incredible: [laughing] He starts monologuing.
Frozone: He starts monologuing! He starts, like, this prepared speech about how *feeble* I am compared to him, how *inevitable* my defeat is, how *the world* *will soon* *be his*, yadda yadda yadda.
Mr. Incredible: Yammering.
Frozone: Yammering! I mean, the guy has me on a platter and he won't shut up!"

-The Incredibles)

• 
  

Jo: The film also glossed over the characters' personal relationships, with the exception of Katniss and her sister, Primrose (Willow Shields). Through The Hunger Games, the novel, the driving force is the relationship between Peeta and Katniss and their fight for not just survival, but mutual survival. With the truncated relationships it was hard to see why Katniss would risk her life for Peeta (who didn't seem nearly as close to death as he probably should have), and why Katniss reacted so strongly to Rue's (Amandla Stenberg) death. Which isn't to say that the movie blew Rue's death, it didn't, I tried to wipe away my tears sneakily so Chandler wouldn't notice. (Turns out he did. I wish he wouldn't stare at me so much...)

Katniss and Cinna's relationship was barely there as well. When Cinna (Lenny Kravitz) says he likes Katniss there was really no reason for him to do so, they'd barely spoken. If they had showed them interacting more during Katniss' preparations it would have made more sense why she would be comforted by his presence at the tribute interview.

I'm hoping that the lack of attention paid to the relationships is going to be remedied in the next three movies-- which would make sense, I suppose, as they need to come up with 3 more movies worth of material.

• 
  

Chandler: Another bit that threw me for a loop was when the Game’s overseers all of a sudden spawned gorilla/bat-faced dog monsters out of nowhere. I could accept the fact that they controlled the world the Games took place in. They established that early on when they started a forest fire, forcing Katniss to fight rather than hiding in the tree tops. What I couldn’t accept were gorilla/bat-faced dog monsters literally appearing from God-knows-where actively trying to kill Katniss and Peeta. That took what I thought were fixed rules and completely changed them. If they could spawn gorilla/bat-faced dog monsters anywhere on the playing field, the possibilities of what else they could make appear would be endless.

• 
  

Jo: Visually, Panem looked exactly like I thought it would. The dreariness of The Seam, the opulence of the Capitol, I thought it was perfect. The arena I imagined was open-air, but I can see why they would go with a Truman Show-type set-up, so no biggie. The costuming was pitch-perfect from the Depression era styling of the Reaping to the tribute interview flame dress to the frilly, innocent, poofy, yellow dress at the victor's interview.

I do take issue with Peeta's casting, though. Josh Hutcherson has very little charm (Julianne Moore's hair had more charm and brought on more emotion than he ever did in The Kids Are Alright), which is only made more obvious by his subscription to the Kristen Stewart school of acting: open mouthed and staring blankly. Feel the anguish.

• 
  

Chandler:What sets The Hunger Games apart from most teen dramas (notably Twilight) is that it has a strong, independent female lead that isn’t shoehorned into a trivial love story. She does get thrown together with Peeta, but only to boost her likability with her sponsors, thereby increasing her chance of survival. This might have been the only aspect of the movie that I thought was really well done.

The Hunger Games fell flat with me. It wasn’t outright a bad movie, just not for me. It was one long build up that culminated to absolutely nothing. It seemed like they focused so much on the lead up to the Games that the ending just seems tacked on. On top of that, it gave no indication that the story will be continuing. I wasn’t aware that The Hunger Games was a trilogy until after the credits had rolled which is ironic, with so many movies nowadays ending with a sequel hook. Now I’m torn: the OCD part of me wants to see the next two movies out of necessity for completion, but the movie snob in me is telling me to stay away. I guess I’ll just have someone tell me what happens.

Jo: That's what he thinks. He's coming with me whether he likes it or not.

For me, the movie had all of the excitement of the book. While watching I couldn't help but think "It's almost perfect." Maybe that's because I got the references-- I was watching it more as a companion to the novel. I felt the tension boiling just below the surface for the people of Panem, and the oblivious decadence of the Capitol. I can't wait to see the next movies when that precarious situation explodes, but I worry that the un-initiated will feel the way Chandler does because the filmmakers decided to cut important story elements and extend or add unnecessary scenes to take up time.

Overall, though, I really did enjoy it. I literally laughed and cried.

• 
  

Jo: 3.5 arrows out of 5

Chandler is too stubborn to give a rating. His argument is "I don't even like Ebert. Plus, I said the movie wasn't bad, just not for me." I propose you leave a note in the comments about how awesome ratings are and how Chandler should do them.

This-Post-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named

The world that author J. K. Rowling has created with the Harry Potter series is one filled with fantasy, drama, and amazement. The books have sold over 450 million copies world-wide making it the best selling book series in history. And it's no mystery why. Each book introduces new characters, creatures, and twists that would make M. Night Shyamalan's head spin.

At least, that's what I'm assuming.

See, I've never actually read all of the books. I remember words like "Harry Potter," "Hermione," and "muggle" being thrown around in sixth grade homeroom constantly before finally caving in and picking up my copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, not having the faintest clue as to what I was getting myself into. Halfway through Prisoner of Azkaban I thought, "wait a minute, what the hell is going on?" and promptly stopped there (ironic, since Prisoner is probably my favorite in the movie series). I had realized that the only reason I made it through two and a half books was because everyone else was reading the books and I wanted to fit in (remember kids: peer pressure is wrong).

Don't get me wrong, though. I don't hate the Harry Potter franchise. In fact, I find it very interesting extremely well written. The problem is that you either love the franchise or couldn't care less. The sheer number of characters, plots, sub-plots, and seemingly unimportant objects that are introduced every book becomes overwhelming to keep track of to anyone less than a die-hard fan.

I've always been on the fence about returning to the series and this year, after playing through Lego Harry Potter without the slightest clue as to what was going on, I made a vow to finally find out why Snape killed Dumbledore (do I really have to put SPOILER ALERT?) and what exactly a "horcrux" is.

But not through reading the books. Reading is hard, you guys.

No, I'm going to watch the all movies within a close enough time frame to each other so that I actually remember the multitude of characters, plot twists, and seemingly unimportant objects that show up in the first act that become extremely important during the last.

Done and done. That was the least anticlimactic way to say that I have now watched the movies.

Now that I've watched them, I'm going to give my thoughts and reactions on the movie series as a whole. I already said that I'm not reading the books, so if at any point you think to yourself something along the lines of, "But in the book..." I'm going to have to ask you to stop right there. A good movie is a good movie and should be able to achieve that on its own; you shouldn't have to go back to the source material to fill in plot holes or else it wouldn't be a good movie. Now that we've gotten that disclaimer out of the way, let's start my unbiased review of the Harry Potter movies.

Let me start by getting this out of the way: the child actors are all terrible with Daniel Radcliffe being the worst offender. He had to have been cast based on looks and nothing else. He acts the way I imagine a robot would trying to emulate emotion: smile when happy, grimace when mad, mouth slightly agape when surprised, yell when sad. In the first movie, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson aren't any better by comparison but by the last, Radcliffe's performance make Grint and Watson look like a couple of Marlon Brandos. That is to say, Radcliffe is the only actor who's acting doesn't improve throughout the ten years these movies have been released. The worst part is that he's the titular character, so his astonishingly sub-par performance gets the most screen time across the eight movies.

However, the adult cast is fantastic. Maggie Smith, Michael Gambon, Gary Oldman, and Ralph Fiennes are only some of the stellar actors boosting the movies' watchability. There's no other way I can say it: they're all just so damn good. It's obvious that they're all classically trained theatre actors and boy does it show, especially in scenes when several of the adult cast are interacting with each other. However, as much as I like Alan Rickman as an actor, I can't say that I'm completely in love with his portrayal of Snape. His manner of speech comes off unintentionally hilarious rather than "reluctant, stone-faced professor with a heart of gold".


The Harry Potter movies were the first to make me admire both the scenery and special effects in a film. All the set pieces, make-up effects, and CGI are gorgeous. The scene that really blew me away when I first saw Sorcerer's Stone was the Quidditch match.

Can I just take a moment and ask just what are the rules of Quidditch? It seems to be "throw the ball through the hoop and also don't die." From what I can see, there's no out-of-bounds or, more importantly, any penalties for actively trying to murder your opponents. Also, take into account the fact that everyone, both playing and spectating the game, knows powerful magic? To top it all off, it's a school sport in which players can be as young as 11. This calls into question just how responsible the faculty at Hogwarts really is. And that's nothing compared to the walking liability case that is the Tri-Wizard Tournament, but we'll get there soon enough.

Goblet of Fire was when the series did an almost complete 180, going from a light-hearted children's film involving magic to Voldemort's return, Cedric dying, (c'mon, you've read the books) and shit getting real. Arguably, this is where the series begins, with Sorcerer's Stone, Chamber of Secrets, and Prisoner of Azkaban serving as one huge build up to this point. Despite this, I still can't get over how the wizarding world can host a tournament in which the first challenge is pitting teenagers against a dragon, again, with the only rule seemingly to be "don't die."

Actually, the wizarding world is blasé to the whole "the kid who survived an encounter with the dark lord is now attending the most prestigious wizarding school in the world where, coincidentally, strange and terrifying things are starting to happen." This is one of my biggest gripes with the series. Throughout the entire series, no one ever believes Harry when he says something bad will happen, despite everyone knowing him to be the chosen one. Hell, no one even believes the school's seer when it's her job to predict the future. When a student ends up possessed, petrified, or missing, there are no investigations, the school is never shut down, and the only action is to send the students to their rooms while the teachers wonder who could be behind such heinous acts. When the kid who survived an encounter with evil incarnate says that the bad guy is back, you had better damn well believe him.


The good thing about the Harry Potter universe is that any little inconsistency can be explained away with "it's magic" and get away with it. However, I did find two instances that left me scratching my head. Even though it's explained that Harry and Voldemort's wands connected because of very specific circumstances, they never explain why Dumbledore and Voldemort's wands connect other than because it looked awesome. Maybe because of Dumbledore being who he is coupled with his possession of the elder wand? Okay, fine, I guess we could chalk that one up to "it's magic." The other instance sadly falls into the "it explains it all in the book" category: after the climax of The Half-Blood Prince, Snape reveals that he is the Half-Blood Prince with no explanation as to why or what it means. The only reason they put that line into the movie was because they had to incorporate the title somehow so they don't leave viewers in the dark as to who the Half-Blood Prince is.


I said that the movies were amazing to look at before, but that gets turned up to 11 once David Yates gets behind the helm as director. The cinematography gets noticeably and drastically better with his Harry Potter directorial debut Order of the Phoenix. What stands out to me as the best scene in the entire series would be, hands down, the duel between Voldemort and Dumbledore. Everything comes together, from how it was shot, the set, the effects, the acting, and the use of music (there was none) to make not only a visually stunning scene, but an awesome scene overall. These techniques effectively come into play throughout the rest of the film series during key moments; for example, to create tension when Harry, Hermione, and Ron are in the woods in Deathly Hallows, the camera switches to handheld, giving it a slightly shaky feel and the music is completely dropped. The shaky camera give an air of instability and the lack of music makes you focus on the dialogue or ambiance. One superfluous camera trick I noticed Yates using a lot was where the camera would zoom in or out on a character through a transparent object, such as through a window or through the defensive spell around Hogwarts during the last battle in Deathly Hallows. It really didn't serve a purpose, it just looked cool.


I can understand now why the Harry Potter franchise has been so successful. The story is very well-written and the characters are fully fleshed out and developed. For someone who found it hard to keep track of the multitudes of characters with constantly changing alliances and mundane objects becoming extremely important well after you forgot about them (the Deluminator springs to mind), seeing the movies practically back to back finally made me appreciate and understand at least part of the Harry Potter fandom. Still not going to read the books, though.

Actor Analysis: Jennifer Hudson

The Thespool will hold a Movie Gaga feature: Actor Analyses. In these analyses, Chandler and/or I will take a look at an actor or actress's career, mocking or praising as is due.

The honor of our first analysis is going to someone well acquainted with honors she doesn't deserve: Ms. Jennifer Hudson.

I'm not going to beat around the bush: Jennifer Hudson is a terrible actress.

She sings like an angel.

But I've seen elementary school plays with better acting than Ms. Hudson puts into her feature films. Remembering she's an Oscar winner makes me want to cry-- especially when I see those commercials she's doing for Weight Watchers and she can't even act like herself.

On one level, acting is becoming the character in the situation, ignoring the lights and cameras and dozens of people milling around or staring. Jennifer Hudson is incapable of this- you can actually see the wheels turning in her head. I hate that.

Dreamgirls (2006)

Jennifer got her big break on American Idol, then parleyed that success into a role in the movie Dreamgirls, based on the Broadway musical. Hudson played Effie White, a role that required her to make grumpy faces and sing.

And she really does sing well. But killer pipes does not a good actor make. Actors, for some reason, have trouble seeing that. Maybe it's appreciation for talent they don't have, or maybe they can't separate their appreciation for her vocal abilities from her skill as an actress. Whatever it is, she got an Oscar out of the deal. Over Cate Blanchett, no less.

Look, there's already an award show for talented singers. Keep your Grammy's out of my Academy Awards.

Speaking of awards, I should mention that it wasn't just actors blinded by the...sound, as it were. According to my count she won 21 other awards for the same performance, most of them being either Best Supporting Actress or Best Breakthrough Performance-type things.

Sex and the City (2008)

Next came the Sex and the City movie where she was as awkwardly shoved in as...Carrie Bradshaw's puns. What did you think I was going to say? Anyway, I don't even know why she was there other than to hide Big's emails to Carrie which, I'm sorry, but who tries to make up with the finacee they just left at the altar by email? We're supposed to believe this was the only way since Carrie got a new cell phone number. Never mind the fact that Carrie moved back into her old apartment, a place Big had gone to and land-line called a 100 times over the show's six seasons. Don't tell me Jennifer Hudson's role was necessary.

Unless someone realized that you could count the number of black Sex and the City characters on one hand. Yeah, I said it.

Fragments (2008)

Never heard of it, haven't seen it, don't intend to. Don't care.

The Secret Life of Bees (2008)

This book was cute. And popular. So a movie based on it was inevitable.

Right before the movie came out, though, Jennifer Hudson suffered an unimaginable tragedy when her estranged brother-in-law brutally murdered her mother, brother, and nephew. Critics were understandably reticent to criticize her performance in the wake of the horrific event.

I spent a long time on YouTube, too long, searching for a clip from a specific scene I wanted to embed here. I figured I'd be able to find it because it's the lead-up to one of the most important scenes in the movie, but whatever, it's better this way without the clip inflicted on you.

It's actually a pretty simple scene- Jennifer and Dakota are walking down a road talking. But remember what I said about seeing the wheels turning in Jennifer's head? It's so bad in this scene you can practically count each individual cog. The difference between the two is striking- Dakota's actually acting, while Jennifer's basically whispering to herself "I'm in a movie. Right now we're shooting a movie. Keep holding the makeshift spittoon with your arm at a 90 degree angle. Make sure to spit a lot so the audience knows you're chewing tobacco. Audience! This is a movie. We're filming a movie."

It's painful to watch.

Also worth noting, this was the last time she was nominated for any acting awards. And the nominations were all for Ensemble Casts. Just saying.

Winnie (2o11)

According to IMDb, J.H. starred in a Winnie Nelson biopic that did very little, and she did very little in it. The one external review listed on IMDb is from Movies.com, by Christopher Campbell. Of Hudson's performance he writes,

Winnie has one great sequence, and by great I mean it’s at least given some time to play out, and we’re allowed to think about it. It’s really the least we could hope for in a significant drama about some of the most important historical events in the world during the 20^th century. The sequence depicts Winnie’s own prison time, most of which was served in solitary confinement in order to break her spirit. It’s the first instance in the film where Hudson really seems to be acting rather than merely standing and reciting dialogue. Sure, she’s mostly staring blankly and chatting with ants, but I got the impression she really was trying hard to prove her Oscar is deserved.

From what I've seen of Jennifer I'm neither surprised or inclined to doubt Mr. Campbell's assessment.

What's Next for Ms. Hudson?

A role in the upcoming 3 Stooges movie. Something tells me the casting director's something of a stooge, as well.

Please, Jennifer, quit while you're ahead. You have a voice that I think, if I believed in such things, could reaffirm someone's faith in God. Do something with that instead of this acting mess.

Or spring for some lessons. You can afford it.

The Oscars

Chandler: For a few years now, Jo and I have had this tradition of texting each other back and forth our thoughts on the Oscars. Now that we have this joint movie blog, I thought, "Hey, why don't we do a 'live-blog' thingy this year? Our snarky comments should be a gift to everyone on the internet!"Great idea me! If this goes well, I'll just chalk it up to my brilliance. If not, eh, it was worth a shot.

Also, I think I should mention that I haven't exactly seen any of the movies up for awards, so that should set the bar for how this post is going to go. And I totally thought it started at 7. This should be fun.

Jo: Chandler also had the brilliant idea to less live blog and more semi-live blog while I was in the bath. I mention the bath because I'm trying to entice readers with nudity.

It's nice this way, though, because now I don't have my phone bleeping at me 100 times in 2 hours like the last few years. That's not an exaggeration. And no, I have it set to one beep for texts, not 3.

And, yeah, Chandler and I haven't seen like, any of these movies. I'm one-up on him, though, because I saw The Artist.

(Morgan Freeman’s opening speech)

J: Did I miss Billy Crystal's opening?

C: this isn't Billy Crystal?

J: ...I don't think so

Oh, there he is

Don't be worried, Billy, it can't possibly be worse than last year

C: thank god they're not trying to pander to a younger demographic

...and there's Justin Beiber

J: I don't like that I've been included in Bieber's demographic

C: well I must admit, I did smile once during that intro

J: Was it the horse ball joke? Because that wasn't it for me

C: no, surprisingly it was the Justin Beiber part

J: Haha, you just scored my first chuckle for the night

C: aka "we really screwed the pooch with last year's hosts"

J: Aw, look at JEJ! He's so old

(Billy Crystal’s opening song) This is cute

C: it's not bad

I’m sure this would be a lot funnier if I had actually seen any of these movies

J: It'd be a lot funnier if it was Neil Patrick Harris, too. He should host everything until he dies, I think.

C: these opening numbers NEVER go on too long...

J: He had to get through 9 movies, give him a little credit, curmudgeon

(Tom Hanks is talking)

C: Tom Hanks is working that beard, and that old guy is rocking that tux

J: They really are

And could Tom be more charming? He's adorable.

(Nominees for Visual awards being listed)

C: I must say, all those movies DID look amazing

based on those 2 second clips

(Robert Richardson just won for Hugo's cinematography)

J: And the commercials for it did all look beautiful

C: wow, Hugo is two for two

J: Dante Ferretti and...his wife...just won for Hugo's Art Direction. We can't complain, I don't think.

C: wife? I thought that was a wax statue

J: Haha, she was a little stiff. At first I thought they had cut the microphone off when she was moving her mouth and nothing was coming out

C: oh god, I forgot that Sandra bullock won an academy award

almost as bad as Jennifer Hudson

J: Yeah, but remember halfway through Black Swan when I whispered to you that Natalie was going to win the Oscar and she did? That was awesome. For me. And Natalie.

C: you think Kevin Costner is going to do a tribute to Whitney Houston?

J: Good question. Did she ever win an Oscar?

(Montage plays for some reason)

J: The fuck is Twilight doing in an Oscar montage?

C: what is this montage, just movies?

J: I think they're past nominees, maybe?

C: I’m pretty sure they reuse the same clips every year for this montage

J: That's probably true

(Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez are presenting for Costuming)

C: whoa, totally picking up some j. lo areola

J: You're looking a lot closer than me

Jane Eyre had fantastic costuming

but Mark Bridges just won for The Artist

And did you even know Albert Nobbs was a movie? I didn’t. All of a sudden it was like, "Glen Close as a man!"

C: I love how the winners in every category but actors and directors have nice, concise speeches

(The Iron Lady wins Best Makeup)

really? the iron lady for makeup?

J: I agree with that, especially when they make her old. I've seen pictures, they did AMAZING work

but, c'mon, harry potter?

Harry Potter should have won 10 years ago

C: I never understand how fantasy/sci-fi movies rarely win for best make-up or visual effects

J: I think it has something to do with CGI

(Celebrities are talking about their first movie theater experiences)

C: Brad Pitt talking about the War of the Gargantuas? I think I’m in love

J: Wow, okay. You two go be nerds together. But that was cute, the stars talking about their first movies like that

(A piece of baseball-related Oscar trivia is given)

C: did we really need to know the baseball movie fact? I already have enough useless information rolling around in my head

J: Some people like baseball movies.

Like me

C: but facts like that are like those superfluous sports statistics

"so and so is the first quarterback to throw 35 yards during a lunar eclipse on the first day of the fall harvest"

J: yeah, but this was about movies

(Sandra Bullock is presenting)

Sandra's lit horribly- it looks like she has no neck

C: whoa, they make movies in Canada?

J: Aw, that's a Scott Pilgrim quote and I'm dropping the ball

(Christian Bale presenting)

C: oh, Christian Bale with that black on black

J: 'cause he's a tough guy

C: I love when actors get nominated for comedic roles

J: Agreed. They're underappreciated.

(Best Supporting Actress nominees are being listed)

My mother wanted to know why the girl from The Artist is only nominated for Best Supporting Actress instead of Best Actress even though she's the lead actress in the movie. I think it's because she doesn't actually ever say a word in the film, but I'm not sure

C: the same reason why Andy Serkis is ineligible for being nominated: the academy needs to change its standards

(Octavia Spencer wins)

J: And can I just say that I love when they cry? Because I do

C: again, I think it's funny that only actors/actresses get overly emotional when they win but make-up artists or cinematographers just calmly pull out their speech, read it, and peace out

J: I didn't want to comment on ego...but I will say, after spending much time with actors, actors' emotions are screwed the hell up. They keep everything on the surface so they can call it back when they need it for a scene.

(Christopher Guest and company are enacting a fake focus group viewing of The Wizard of Oz)

Christopher Guest's crew!! I love these guys.

C: aw, I thought they really had footage of focus groups, I’m kinda disappointed

J: Did they have focus groups then?

C: I don't know

(Billy Crystal is thanking the people that helped film the opening skits)

J: Did Billy Crystal just thank Sammy Davis Jr.?

C: yes

J:...isn't he dead?

C: yeah, but Billy crystal was in blackface playing him, remember?

J: I thought it was an impersonator they got off the street or something, haha

C: at least I thought it was him, definitely not a black person playing him

J: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo just won for editing. I've been meaning to read that book. And see both movies.

(The winners of best sound editing receive their awards)

C: that was sure awkward

J: And speaking of The Social Network, did you know Rooney Mara, the girl with the Dragon Tattoo in GWTDT, was the girl from the beginning of The Social Network? I was shocked.

(Later)

C: why does the academy hate transformers?

J: Hugo won again.

I think it may have something to do with not being able to separate bad acting from everything else. Probably why HP never won anything, come to think of it

And I will say this, Tina Fey doesn't look totally awful

C: each component is separate, just because it was a good movie overall doesn't mean it should automatically win in each category it was nominated

J: Oh, God, I just saw a full body shot of Tina Fey, I take back my compliment

Unless she's pregnant

C: she did just have a baby

J: Wasn't that a while ago? Or have I lost track of her babies? 2 or 3?

C: I think she has two kids now

and if you could use the word "phenomenal" to describe any aspect of transformers, it would have to be visual effects and sound design

(Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy!)

C: I love it when Muppets present at award shows

J: I love Miss Piggy's hair!

Oh, there you go, Chand, Danny Elfman composed the Cirque du Soleil bit coming up

C: aw, Kermit didn't go "YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

J: Right? I love when he flips out. But I guess he was being refined for the Oscars

(Cirque du Soleil is performing)

C: I am so scared for these guys right now

J: AWESOMENESS

She's standing on his head!

C: that is way too high in the air for these types of shenanigans

J: awesome shenanigans

C: hey, no standing ovation, that one dude totally messed up

J: It happens

(Billy Crystal is calling people old)

Haha, Christopher Plummer wanders off

C: man, Billy crystal is killing it tonight

(Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey, Jr. are presenting)

J: Why's the microphone at her crotch?

(Microphone is replaced by RDJ’s crew’s microphone)

C: there you go

J: this is almost funny

C: what a beautiful, beautiful man

J: Some guys just won Best Documentary, but Chandler's still in post-RDJ glow

(Later)

C: first f-bomb of the night coupled with first "play off," classy!

J: Wowww, not only did they start playing but they actually did cut the microphone

(Chris Rock is bashing voice over artists while presenting for best animated feature, because that makes sense. See Chandler’s article Some People Can Talk Gooder Than Others)

C: did I mention how much I hate Chris Rock?

J: Oh boy. Brace yourselves, folks, Chandler's going to rip Chris Rock a new one

C: I’m not even going to waste my time

J: but there goes voice actors ever getting the recognition they deserve

you should write a thing about how dumb he is

C: talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel for best animated film

J: I seriously just got Gore Verbinski and Gore Vidal confused

Is Johnny Depp not there? They didn't show him when the Rango guy just thanked him

C: probably not, it's Johnny Depp

(Billy Crystal and Melissa McCarthy are giving a little special effects intro or something, and apparently it’s like that one part of that movie.)

haha, it's like that one part of that movie, Bridesmaids

(Emma Stone and Ben Stiller are presenting for visual effects)

Emma Stone is so freaking adorable

J: She really is

C: so is Emma Watson (Completely unrelated other than the fact her first name also happens to be Emma)

J: That was actually cute, and I haven't liked Ben Stiller since Reality Bites

C: hey, I actually saw some of these movies!

J: c'mon HP

(Hugo wins again)

C: are you fucking kidding me?

J: Wow. Maybe I should see Hugo.

C: I would have preferred any of those movies to Hugo

J: did you see it?

C: no, but I saw transformers, harry potter, and planet of the apes and they were all visually astounding

it's golden compass all over again

J: Don't do that, I hate that. Maybe Hugo was better

(Best supporting actor nominees are being listed)

C: I cannot believe Jonah hill is nominated for best supporting actor, I would have never looked at him and thought "you know, one day, he'll be contending for the highest award an actor can receive"

don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome

J: I still say it's all because of Aaron Sorkin. His words make anybody sound good

Christopher Plummer won! Oh, yay! I love him. I had the BIGGEST crush on Captain Von Trapp, I'm not even kidding.

...what's wrong with his nose?

C: it's 82 years old

J: but...it's like, blue

I had two 96 year old great grandmothers, their noses were never blue

C: Christopher Plummer does a lot of voice over work, which is cool

J: Yeah, but you heard Chris Rock, it's SO EASY

C: that's exactly why I wrote that blog post, "actors" think they can just walk into a recording booth and just talk, so that's all they do (See link above)

(Billy Crystal is letting the viewing audience in on what the celebrities at the ceremony are thinking)

J: I hated March of the Moron Penguins

C: that was a great line about Tyler Perry

J: it really was

C: dog in a bow tie!

J: Moron Penguins. "Let's march back and forth across ANTARCTICA a couple times a year. Why? I don't know! Oops, I died."

C: birds are dumb

(Somebody's talking about movie music to introduce the music awards)

I really hope they perform "Man or Muppet"

J: Ask me why there are only 2 nominees for best song! Ask me why there are only 2 nominees for best song!

C: go for it

J: Stupid academy rules!

Short-listed songs are voted on by the 236 members of the AMPS music branch on a scale of 6 to 10

C: ouch, john Williams nominated twice in the same category lost to a guy with no formal musical training

J: If no song manages an 8.25 average there are no nominees

If only one song gets an 8.25 then it and it's next highest rated competitor are the nominees

And John Williams has more nominations than anyone else ever in Oscar history, he'll be okay

I got my info here at Original Song Oscar Rules

(Will Ferrell and Zach Galifin-who-cares come out to be obnoxious.)

C: oh god

two overrated comedians!

finally

J: Okay, the It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp joke was funny

(Man or Muppet wins Best Original Song)

C: definitely deserves the award over Rio

J: I haven't seen it yet and I just applied to a job at a puppet museum

C: was Jason Segel tearing up? if so, that was adorable

J: he really was

(Angelina Jolie comes to the stage to present the writing awards. Chandler gets distracted by-)

C: leeeeeeeeeegs

check out the gams on that dame!

J: she needs to eat a damn sandwich

c'monnnnn Aaron Sorkin! C'monnn Aaron Sorkin!!!

(The guys that wrote the script for The Descendants win)

The Groundlings, I believe, are one of the groups that became SNL, so that's kind of cool, even if they aren't Aaron Sorkin.

(Chandler notices my sandwich comment.)

C: I can't have you bad mouthing both Tina Fey and Angelina Jolie, not on the same night

J: Did you SEE her dress and do you SEE her shoulders?

C: did you SEE her legs?

J: I saw some twigs sticking out of her dress

(The clip for Bridesmaids' Original Script nomination is playing)

J: Wow. A "your face" joke. Oscar-worthy!

C: right?

J: We could write "your face" jokes

we DO write your face jokes

Or I do, anyway. Or have.

C: your FACE does

J: your MOM does

C: apparently bridesmaids was really good

J: I heard there's a superfluous food poisoning scene

C: yeah, that falls under the "women being overly vulgar to get a laugh" category that I can't stand

which, so far, looks like the whole movie can be classified as such

J: which is why I'm hesitant to see it

J: but remember Diablo Cody won for Juno, so there's hope for good writers

C: yeah, and there ARE some original ideas left in Hollywood

at least a comedy screenplay got nominated

J: True

(Celebrities are talking about movie memories again)

Edward Norton! Where have you been, my love?

C: wanting too much money to be in the avengers

(Milla Jovovich is talking about something)

hey, Milla Jovovich with a shirt on!

also, I totally spelled her name right without looking

J: There's a lot of triumph in your last few messages there

(The cast of Bridesmaids comes out to present a few awards for some reason)

Is Maya Rudolph crying?

C: women doing penis jokes

hilarious!

J: HA HA HA

C: just smashing right through the glass ceiling

in all seriousness, I’d like to know who writes the jokes for the academy awards cause they are mediocre at the absolute best

only seasoned vets like Billy crystal can make them work

J: They've been a little better this year than most

but maybe that's why

(Someone in the audience yells out "Scorsese!" while two Bridesmaids are presenting and they take out small bottles of [probably] vodka, yell "Scorsese!" and drink)

C: what the hell just happened?

J: I'm really not sure...were they doing a drinking game during the Oscars while at the Oscars?

C: possibly, good catch

(Later)

did they get identical twins to escort the winners off stage?

J: I don't know, but that's attention to detail. On your part and theirs.

C: who were those girls presenting the best animated short award?

J: The one on the right is on The Office and was in Bridesmaids so I'm assuming the other girl was the last of the Bridesmaids, too

(The best animated short winners call themselves "swamp rats")

Chandler and Jo Trivia: Speaking of Swamp Rats, winners of best animated short, our high school's wrestling team are the Swamp Rats.

C: our wrestling team was called the swamp rats?

J: Indeed. In fact, they've painted "The Swamp" and "Swamp Rats" all over the old gym

C: why the swamp rats?

J: Don't know, but that's what they've always been

and the hockey team are the Polar Bears

C: I could see if we lived near the pine barrens

the polar bears makes sense, but swamp rats?

that's dumb

J: No, I know, I reacted the same way when I found out 10 years ago

(Michael Douglas comes out to present looking wonderfully healthy- rock on, Michael Douglas)

Oh! Michael looks really good!

He was looking really sick for a while there when he was really sick

C: oh yeah, he does

(People keep talking about Steven Spielberg during the broadcast and the camera keeps panning to him when talking about awesome directing)

J: Spielberg isn't nominated for Best Director, are they trying to rub it in?

C: yes

are we, as a culture, ever going to come to an agreement on how to pronounce martin Scorsese's last name?

J: I have the captions on because that's how I like to watch TV, and they were having trouble with the sync just now and said that Woody Allen was nominated for "Midnight in Hugo"

And no. Not ever.

(Later)

C: man, we should have kept a tally on how many people are wearing buddy holly glasses

J: Hipsters poison the water

(Meryl's awful dress.)

Jesus, Meryl, isn't not 1983

(Later)

C: oh my god, James Earl Jones

I get tingles every time that man talks

J: I think it has something to do with resonant frequencies

C: don't even try to downplay James earl Jones, you're not THAT cool

J: haha, I know, I was going for a sound nerd joke

(Matthew Broderick's Ferris Bueller car commercial comes on)

C: hey, remember when Matthew Broderick was in that one movie? and how he's using that to sell cars now?

J: That's so funny, I was watching a Behind the Scenes of Ferris Bueller thing the other day and I was like, "wow, he really hasn't done anything since."

(In Memoriam)

aw, Peter Falk (I almost cried when he said "As you wish.")

C: how do they decide the order of the "in memoriam" section?

J: Don't know. Certainly not chronological

C: or alphabetical

J: I think they have in the past, though...it maybe be different every year

C: as terrible as it may sound, but I think it might be based on popularity

J: Whitney would have been higher, then

when Roy Schneider died he just missed the cut off date for that year's In Memoriam and the next year he was like, first

C: no, see, I think they sprinkle in more well known people so that viewers aren't thinking "don't know him/her" the whole time until the very end

J: this year I think they wanted to put the people they had quotes for in an instrumental section of the song

C: I think it's really sad that the guy who played Uncle Ben died

J: The rice guy?

C: cause, as most comic book nerds know, Uncle Ben is one of the few comic book characters who stays dead

J: oh oh oh

my bad

C: too soon

(Introducing Natalie Portman, Billy Crystal says little girls want to grow up to be Natalie Portman, who's presenting the Best Actor award.)

J: I DO want to be Natalie Portman

C: I think all my Hollywood crushes presented tonight

except Johnny Depp

J: Haha, well...some of mine have talked

like Jason Isaacs, popped up out of nowhere, handsome boy

Oh, Nat, stop looking at the teleprompter

C: Jason Isaacs is going to be in this new show on, I think, NBC

J: I knnnnnooooooow! I'm so excited

And my future husband, Edward Norton

WHAT

wait

this is Gary Oldman's first nomination? What the fuck?

C: wow, this is Gary Oldman's first nomination?

J: wow

(Jean DuJardin wins.)

C: if you sing and/or dance in a movie, you WILL be nominated for an academy award

it's official

J: or play a hooker or disabled person

C: Natalie Portman won last year, Chicago won best picture

those are the only two I can think of off the top of my head

J: Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, the guy from The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Jennifer Hudson sang

C: how could I forget

J: seriously

Charlize Theron

C: c'mon, everyone knows the disabled/hooker rule

J: your precious Angelina

and Jean was really good!

(Colin Firth is presenting Best Actress.)

I have a thing for Colin Firth, I do

C: yet you don't say anything about him looking at the teleprompter

J: I'm sorting my pills for the week, but you're right, he's worse than Natalie

C: Rooney Mara looks so...weird

J: yeah, but she's totally normal looking in The Social Network

I think she's playing up the weird thing for the movie

C: she needs to stop, she looks like she crawled out of the uncanny valley

(Meryl wins.)

wow, really?

J: Meryl won, and can I say, "Called it"

C: I love Meryl and all, but, really?

all she does now are portrayals

(Meryl makes a joke about people being annoyed she won.)

J: Wow, Meryl just nailed you

Like who?

C: gee, I don't know

Margaret Thatcher

Julia child

like I said, I adore her but I would rather have someone win for portraying an original character

J: Okay, that's 2. And anyway, what difference does it make when they become someone else? Someone not themselves in a believable way?

C: no, it's because you already have the template there, you're not acting so much as reenacting situations that more or less had already happened

J: Which gives a really harsh basis for comparison- if you blow it it's always there that they were nothing alike

C: when it's an original character, all you have is your interpretation of a description, you have to create a character from scratch and then breathe life into them

yeah, but when you portray someone from real life it's either you did a good job of playing them or you didn't

with original characters, there's much more room for creativity and artist liberty

J: So...what? The research is too easy for you?

See, I see your point, but it's like two sides of the same coin

C: look, I’m not completely bashing actor portrayals, I definitely respect them, but it's just a personal preference, that's all

J: oh, hey, the Oscars are over

C: and research goes into every role if you're doing it right

J: that's what I was saaaaying

C: well, once again transformers was robbed of an Oscar

J: and Harry Potter

C: and "Man or Muppet" won, so the Oscars pretty much went as I had expected

and any other time I’d be happy to see Meryl Streep win, but surprisingly, not tonight

boom, final thoughts

J: Very nice.

Yeah, no big surprises on this end...but I do take back what I said eariler, Billy Crystal can host the Oscars, but Neil Patrick Harris gets everything else.